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No Toilet Paper On Aisle 20? Beat The System by Lori Brown

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A workaround for the troubling shortages that started with the COVID-19 pandemic

By: Lori Brown

A cardboard toilet paper stands idly by a line of unraveled toilet paper

Source: Anna FranquesUnsplash

Writer Lori Brown flushes our worries away by helping us navigate toilet paper shortages during the COVID-19 pandemic.

In response to the pandemic formerly known as The Corona Virus, now called COVID-19, consumers are hoarding products.

The Things Being Hoarded Make No Sense

These are the items that were gone completely from stores when I went shopping yesterday. This list speaks volumes.

  • Toilet paper
  • Any paper products that MIGHT work as a toilet paper substitute
  • Red meat
  • Plastic bags
  • Water
  • Ice cream
  • Butter
  • Sugar

Oddly, coffee was fully stocked as were many of the items I would expect to go first during an actual crisis.

Things like dry foods with long shelf lives should be selling out — if it’s really crisis preparation that we’re panic-buying for.

Nope. People are filling up their refrigerators with red meat and butter because we are greasy, gross, greedy beasts-in general. No wonder they also bought all the toilet paper.


It has to be a prank. There’s no way we’re so easily manipulated to actually buy out all the toilet paper in the country, right? What are we? A bunch of easily agitated beings? A species of heathens? What’s with the weird list of products being hoarded?

There are many theories afloat in my circles of friends, and none of them justify the lack of certain products.

  • This is a supply chain issue
  • This is a power in media issues
  • This is a greed issue
  • This is a supply and demand imbalance during unforeseen spikes issue
  • This is my neighborhood’s issue
  • This is a (Fictitious) Panic Magazines Best Selling Issue

Regardless of the reason for the emptying of shelves in stores everywhere, we can all still manage in a decent way. People will need all that butter and all those steaks to justify the lifetime supply of toilet paper stored in their smug garages.

Toilet Paper Is Not the Only Way to Handle Things

Being unable to purchase toilet paper is annoying, but it’s not a problem without a solution. Here’s how I “beat the system” and the greedy crowds.
It’s called a bidet. It’s a fancy French toilet thing.

For anyone who is baffled at the word bidet, here is the definition as my cell phone dictionary presented it.

a low oval basin used for washing one’s genital and anal area.

Source: No Toilet Paper On Aisle 20? Beat The System. | Lori Brown

The Modern Version

It’s like a shower for your butt. Seriously.

A woman in a NASA t-shirt and black lace panties strikes a provocative pose while in the shower

Source: Taylor Harding on Unsplash

The modern version of a bidet is a simple yet fancy toilet seat attachment.

I know the subject isn’t the sexiest topic… But if you’ve never experienced the cleanliness of a bidet for personal care — you have not fully lived.

Imagine the sales pitch for an item meant solely to replace your toilet paper.

They come with all kinds of embarrassing upgrades. Not kidding. They have seat warmers, blow dryers, and freaking varying water temperatures.

Imaginary Commercial:

It washes and shines butts of all sizes! It doesn’t stop there, my friend. You’ll get pampered like royalty before you stand up by a warm rinse, and a blow dry – so you can step away from the toilet in style.

You don’t need that two-ply-forest-demolishing-toilet-paper! No way, my friend.

Just get a butt washer… Err, bidet.

For a realistic way to approach this and to help prevent the spread of COVID-19, check out what the Center For Disease Control recommends here.

It Might Be Awhile Before We Get Back to Normal

We may indeed be forced to endure more of the same goofy consumer response to what is now being called a pandemic.

It’ll be okay, eventually.

In the meantime, it’s important to find something to laugh about in all of the chaos. It brings me great joy that I don’t need the two-ply solution for my bathroom experience.


Read more of Lori Brown’s work on Medium!

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